When I Lost My Fourth Child...

Last year I was depressed. Last year I was broken. Last year my best friend and I broke up. Last year I despised people. Last year I lost my fourth child…

Beyonce Knowles has this song called “Love Drought”, where she states “Are you aware you’re my lifeline, are you tryna to kill me?” I believe she was talking about her husband at that time but for me, personally, these words described exactly what I was feeling towards my God. Listen, Jesus Christ was/ is my lifeline and will always be. However, last year, I honestly thought my “Lifeline” was “tryna” kill me.

I have two biological children, London Victoria and Braxton Alexander. In 2004 during an outreach event in Cincinnati, OH I met a young girl by the name of Jade Harmon who was just 10 years old. She won my heart over and at the time I begin to mentor her. I didn’t physically birth her but now after 12 years of mentoring her she’s not only become family, she’s becomes something like my 3rd child. In 2011, August 11th to be exact my husband and I birthed our/ my fourth baby. Her name was Transitions Christian Center. She was everything that I needed, my friends needed, my family needed and more. She was exactly what the world was screaming for. But many of us took her for granted and abandoned her. My brother Quason, who I lost a year ago due to a illness got saved & accepted Jesus as his savior at Transitions Christian Center and my best friend, Shawnte was baptized at Transitions Christian Center. The way that God was using us through TCC was unimaginable. However, He had different plans with her and to be honest, I’m not sure if I agreed with Him at the time.

In November of 2015 I had a dream and in this dream my husband was asleep. When trying to wake him up it was a struggle. His eyes were dried out and had sandy cracks throughout them. I was literally looking at a dessert. & as much as my husband tried to open up his eyes, he just couldn’t. I remember crying out to him “Come on baby! You can do it. Just open up your eyes!”  …but at that very moment, I heard God very clearly say… “I’m closing Transitions Christian Center.” A month later, we closed the doors of our church.

God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path He chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to Him and His plan for complete satisfaction.
— Beth Moore

Death is the separation of two things and for anything to grow naturally and beautifully some things in our lives must be chopped off! I remember when London and my husband first started to grow their garden. They literally had to chop down all of the weeds and bushes and remove every rock to it's fine soil just so the seed that was planted could grow naturally, organically, and beautifully. See, there's a seed that God what's to place inside of all of us, especially you. But a "big chop" must take place. Maybe the "big chop" is your career, the people who you surround yourself with, your way of thinking, or something or someone that you love so passionately.  The pain of this chop digs deep. But the outcome of His plan is much greater.

 

Last year I was depressed - but due to the chopping and pruning of my Lifeline (Jesus), this year I am even more powerful. Last year I was broken but this year I’m allowing God to fix every inch of me. Last year my best friend and I broke up but this year we’re back and stronger than ever. Last year I despised people but this year I can love on people again. Last year I lost my fourth child, Transitions Christian Center, but this year God gave me Mommy & Ministry.

Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
— Psalm 9:10

It will be a year in a couple of weeks since Transitions Christian Center has closed and till this day my heart still aches but no matter what #IWillAlwaysHeartTCC and I will always put my trust in Him.

 

 

This blog is dedicated to my Brother Quay. Love you always!

This blog is dedicated to my Brother Quay. Love you always!